It’s the
weekend~ yay!!! I am so excited to just chill out and relax; enjoying some much
needed R & R. This week was exhausting, so all I want to do at the moment
is curl up under a bunch of covers, turn on the ac, and just enjoy some me time…
(wishful thinking but that’s another story J).
Enough
about me though, let’s get to the real purpose of this post: my youngest
brother’s interview (and by youngest I mean he’s 25).
I honestly,
thought that he would back out on me (because the questions were going to be so
personal and intimate), but he kept his word…which is indicative of his
character and good heart.
I guess I
should let you all know that I have two brothers, one a couple of years older
and one one year younger, and they both are very supportive and protective over
me.
When I
asked this brother to do the interview and explained to him how females
(especially the younger teens that I mentor) need to hear this stuff from a
male’s point of view (not to try to “think like a man”- because I don’t
necessarily agree with that- but because we
live in a society where everything is being glamorized, and as a result there
are a lot of misconceptions happening amongst teens. Very few people are
being vocal about the consequences of bad actions or the results of sleeping
around with numerous guys, so I thought it needed to be heard).
As I stated
before in previous posts, I have some AWESOME brothers (we are a very close
family), and for my brother to sit down and chat with me about sex,
relationships, and girls, being real with me (because I asked him not to sugar
coat it), I can only say thank you.
I know we
lost our dad when we were younger, but you two guys stepped up to the plate and
protected me in so many ways, and all I can say is thank you.
But I guess
this isn’t the time to get all sappy on ya’ll, (I am just so thankful to have
the family that I have though!), but here is the interview.
Thanks for
breaking some codes and keeping it real for my girls buddy…
An
Athlete’s Perspective: My Youngest Brother
1. Why did you allow me to interview you?
I agreed because I feel like this would bring a
different perspective from the previous interviews that you have done: the
brother/sister dynamic. We grew up in the same household, raised by a single
parent mother, but me being a man I just felt like we would have slightly different
ideas about some of the same topics.
2. I think it’s important to let my reader’s now that you
are an athlete, and that your lifestyle/perspective might be different than the
average guy. Would you agree with that?
No, not really. At the end of the day it’s the same because I’m a guy
first, and then an athlete. All guys have different perspectives and morals;
whether you are an athlete, an actor, a doctor, or whatever you want to be, our title doesn’t define who we are as
human beings.
3. Why do you think athletes get a bad wrap in the dating
world?
I think athletes get a bad wrap
because everything that they do is magnified by being in the spotlight. These
are people that we deem role models and people that we look up to, but
sometimes we fail to realize that these are just regular people whom we’ve
taken the liberty of elevating within society, but they are still just regular people. They make mistakes; they
disappoint others; they sometimes fail... they are human. They didn’t ask to be
role models, and they are not in your house raising your kids…It’s not their
job.
They live their lives on tv and the stuff that they do is just
sometimes overstated. People see how the media portrays them, but they don’t
understand the underlying dynamics. They are on the road a lot, always training,
and there are so many obstacles coming against them and so many temptations
that they face, that they are almost set up to fail in a lot of ways. This is
not just athletes though; this is movie stars, people in the entertainment
industry, or people who just live their lives in the public eye in general.
4. Do you guys face pressure in the locker room/amongst
your peers to live a certain way or to behave a certain way? How does that
affect your dating?
Most definitely… I shouldn’t be telling you this, but the locker room
is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Some of my former team mates might be
upset about this, but this is an interview, you are my sister, and the truth
should be told: I can just remember personal experiences even back in high
school with athletes telling each other after a game what girls they were going
to get with and giving you a list of the good girls and the bad girls, but
warning you against the good girls because you wouldn’t really be able to do
anything with them.
In the locker room it seems like the bad, promiscuous girls get
praised…these are the types of girls that guys talk about the most. Of course they never intend to be with them
for good, but they talk about if they slept with them, how long it took,
and what it was like...I will never forgot the first time I encountered a
situation like this. One of my coaches and a few teammates were talking and I
told them my plans were to wait until marriage to have sex, but they had
alternate plans for me and told me that they were going to get me a girl for my
16th birthday, while laughing at my plans to wait. They said you are
16, it’s that time.
5. Why do you think some guys play down a relationship in
front of their friends?
To be honest, I think there are a couple of reasons that guys might
play down a relationship. From what I have witnessed, some guys play down relationships
because they don’t want to be associated
with girls who already have their name out there. You don’t want the stigma
of “saving a girl” that your homeboy has already been with. You don’t want to
go out with her knowing that she has been with some of your friends.
Another reason why they may play down a relationship is because of their egos or pride. They
want to be the man around their peers… guys take a sense of pride about being
the man. That means they want to have the prettiest girl, the fliest cars, and
so forth. When they are immature and juvenile, guys go mostly off of looks
instead of personality; especially when they are younger. As they get older
though, most of them realize that they
need someone with substance, an education, who knows how to balance a budget,
and who can pray you through some things when you are going through it.
They realize that beauty fades away and it’s the person on the inside that
really matters.
But if I can be really open
with you and your readers about it, I’ll explain how I hear a lot of guys
talking about dating whenever we are out:
“A lot of guys talk about a “team” in the locker room,
and all a team is is a group of girls that you talk to, but they all have
different positions and roles just like any other sports team. For example you
will have your franchise player who is your “main girl”, as well as having your
“bench players” / “role players”, who come off the bench when your “starters”
are acting up to replace them”.
This mentality of
degrading women and treating them like objects is everywhere and it’s just a
continuing cycle. Even when I first got to college they asked me what was my gpa
and me being naïve, I told them a 3.0,
and they said no, your girl point
average- how many girls have you slept with… It was crazy.
But when you look at rap videos, movies, etc that bash women and are
being shown without hesitation or remorse, the message that they are sending to
our youth is that the more women and material possessions that you have, the
more powerful and popular you are.
6. How does that lifestyle affect your dating choices and
habits? Do you usually go for the girl in the low-cut, form fitting clothes who
is throwing herself at you, or are you more attracted to the classy,
not-revealing-everything-at-once type of girl?
This has impacted me greatly because it seems
like we as men want the best of both worlds…. but to give you the
straightforward answer, I want a
woman who respects herself and knows her worth.
A lot of guys want that woman who is classy and
knows how to handle her business, but also knows how to enjoy herself and have
a good time. In general, most people want to date a girl that they can take
home to their mom and family, who has morals and dresses respectfully. The
thing is though that they end up messing around with girls that are the exact
opposite because it’s easy and you know it’s not going to go anywhere. Girls
need to recognize that the way that they present themselves means a lot.
For example, if you see a person dressed in a
uniform with a gun and badge, driving a car with blue lights on top, you are
probably going to think that he or she is a police officer. In the same way, if you see a girl with a
short skirt or tight dress, revealing way too much, and behaving like she
doesn’t care, some people will most likely think that she is an easy target or
promiscuous, (advertising basically), because that’s the way that she is
presenting herself.
Unfortunately in our society, perception is
reality. You
don’t want to take a girl with a fast food mentality to a sit down restaurant…And
as guys we are asking where the good girls are, but we are looking in the wrong
places to get them.
7. How do you feel about weave, make-up, and plastic
surgery?
My honest answer is that most guys are simple
minded and we know it’s not real, but it is enticing. Sort of like the plastic
fruit that your grandma used to have in the kitchen. You knew it wasn’t real,
but it looked so good and shiny that you still wanted to bite it. It’s like our
fascination with 3d movies. We know it’s not real but it adds an element of
surprise or suspense. So I don’t have a problem with it one way or the other;
as long as the woman likes it, I love it.
That said though, if you are going to have weave
and stuff, have it the entire time. Don’t
have nails and eyelashes one day, and then look like Mr. Potato Head the next
day. Keep it consistent. That’s why most guys are fascinated with
Beyonce; you have never seen her with a doo-rag or flip-flops, or coming out of
the house with a bandana on looking like a robber. Don’t have lace-fronts one
day and be natural the next. It’s false advertisement and it’s confusing.
On facebook a guy should be able to go through
the whole album without having to explain why his girlfriend looks like this or
why her eyebrows look different. You shouldn’t have to always go to one picture
of her to show people, but the entire album should be consistent.
8. What do you think about sex before marriage?
I think that sex before marriage is very
dangerous. By me saying dangerous you are putting yourself at risk for situations
that you are not ready for, such as children, diseases, or a variety of other situations
that could pop up. But I also think that getting married just for sex is
dangerous as well, which we normally don’t talk about but we should. Marriage
should be sacred, but in so many ways we are making a mockery out of it. People need to explain to their children why sex before marriage is wrong,
and not just saying sex before marriage is wrong.
Something that I want to point out is that
statistics show that whoever you have slept with, you have also slept with the
people that that person has slept with, and considering that a growing
percentage of people have had some form of std/sti, that doesn’t equate good
news. They have good soaps out there,
but like mom said, soap can’t wash everything off.
On a more personal note, while it’s very
dangerous from a physical standpoint, it’s even more dangerous from a spiritual
standpoint because God says it wrong and
He has the ability to put you in a Heaven or a hell, and you don’t want
to displease your Creator.
9. Do you think that there is a stigma against guys who have
not lost their virginity by a certain age? If so, why?
Most definitely. I remember when I was 16 and
they were like what’s wrong with you; even the coach replied why. I was so
young and naïve at the time, that I was very impressionable. It felt like they
were questioning my manhood and my sexuality, and I wasn’t ready to handle that
type of barraging at that age.
It seems
like in today’s society the reality tv stars, the groupies, and the women who
just put themselves out there are being praised, while virgins and those who
practice abstinence are shunned because they are considered lame. The wrong
kind of message is being told, but no one is commenting on the consequences of
these actions.
People see the life of those that are living
their lives in the public eye, and sometimes they try to emulate what they see,
but they aren’t getting the whole story. Nobody is talking about the negative
consequences, and that’s why I wanted to do this interview: people see the enjoyable things- the money,
the cars, the lifestyle- but they don’t see the feelings of emptiness or
loneliness that come with it. No one talks about how when they play with a
girls emotions and lead her own, how that girl then goes on to do the same
thing to someone else, and the cycle continues… It’s almost like those car
commercials that you see on tv; they tell you no down payment, but you get your
first payment and it’s almost the same as your house payment….a misleading
cycle of disappointment.
10. What would your ideal girl be like?
I don’t have an ideal girl per say. The way I
figure out what I want is by subtracting what I don’t want. I don’t want a girl
who is superficial, one-dimensional, or materialistic. I want a girl who can
look good in a turtle neck or a two piece. My
main thing is confidence.
So many
times girls are waiting on guys to get their stamp of approval, when they
should realize that with guys it doesn’t really matter what you are wearing-
it’s all about confidence. Whether you have on red bottoms or pink bottoms, if
you have confidence and you know that you are attractive, then guys are going
to be drawn to you.
I have never heard a guy say ‘did you see the bottom of her
shoes, they were pink instead of red’ or ‘did you see her hair it was yaki
hair instead of Malaysian human hair; I’m not talking to her’. It doesn’t
happen.
I want a girl who is self-assured…not just in her
looks but in her abilities to carry a conversation and who knows that whether
she brought her clothes from a thrift store or saks fifth, that she is beautiful.
I want a classy, down-to-earth woman. Not
like a material “basketball wife”, because if you look, the majority of them
are not married. If you look at the real wives of athletes and stars,
they are just regular women who are ladies and conduct themselves as so, and
can do the everyday tasks. This goes back to a saying that I have heard many
guys use: ‘some girls you can take home to momma, and some girls you just take
home’.
Me being a momma’s boy from the south, I want
someone who can take care of her business and her household. Once the lace fronts, makeup, fingernails
and so forth are gone, there needs to be some substance there.
In a relationship you don’t want a liability, you
want an asset. Marriage is something that should last forever, so when
everything changes you still want someone that brings something to the table.
To quote one of my best friends Muddy (whose interview is here), ‘never get into a
relationship with someone who doesn’t have as much to loose as you’. Meaning
iron sharpens iron….if you are in a relationship and you have everything to
loose and she doesn’t have a house, a car, anything…and you marry her, if the
two of you divorce, she is taking everything (i.e. Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods). Or ladies, if
you are dating a guy fresh out of prison, with no education, no car, and 10 kids,
he has nothing to loose; you are the only one at risk.
11. So many girls are searching for “The One”. What advice
would you give to a girl who is wondering when will be her time?
Stop
wondering and start living. When you least expect it, that’s when it will happen. A perfect
example is when I loose something like my wallet or keys; I usually I don’t
find it, but when I stop searching, it almost always just shows up. This means
once you stop looking, it will find you.
We live in a popcorn generation where we want
things to happen immediately; we don’t have patience. How many times have we
been in a fast food restaurant and the line was going slowly so you left, only
for it to start moving fast as soon as you get out of the line.
Society
sets norms that determine around this age I want to be married, have a family,
etc. but it shouldn’t be rushed like that. Don’t
get discouraged; be patient and enjoy the time that you have right now getting
to know yourself… And try not to
desire someone else’s life; you don’t know what their story is or what they had
to go through to get there.
12. Is there anything else that you want to add that I
didn’t ask you?
Yeah. From a guy’s point of view, and as a mentor coming from a single
parent home, more guys need to rise up
and be mentors to other guys; telling them about their experiences and trying
to encourage them. I commend you for giving out these interviews and for
showing the pros and the cons….getting real interviews from real people. These
discussions need to be had.
Guys need to see
positive examples. Generally, they don’t feel comfortable talking to their mom or sister
about sex- they need to hear it from a
male. If you don’t mind, I want to do a Part 2 about my own decisions and
share my own story about sex before marriage- I want to get real and tell my
own journey so that people know what can really happen. I want to do anything I
can, to let people know the potential consequences. So if you would let me, let’s
do a Part 2 to this sometime soon.
I want to conclude by saying
that this has been a great interview; I
never knew how far I came until I was forced to reflect on it. It’s great
being able to give your own personal story, from your own perspective. I would
hate MediaTakeout or TMZ to give preconceived notions about me just by looking
at me with a picture that they took. I think that this is an excellent
platform, and you can literally say that you heard it here first from VirginMonologuez.
You don’t have to worry about anyone twisting your story or misconstruing your
words to get a quota or for magazine sales. I would rather hear it from the
source, and that’s what you have allowed me.
Thank you. I love you sis.
