Male Week: An Athlete’s Perspective- My Youngest Brother (Part 2)

Today’s interview is the conclusion of my younger brother’s interview for the site and the last interview for 2012.

I don’t want to talk too much, but I was blown away by his answers. I mean I have always known that I have two AMAZING brothers, whom I love both to pieces by the way, but now I get to share that with the world. 

To listen to him respond to all of my questions with as much patience and poise as he did really meant the world to me. He is an incredible person and I am honored to not just call him my brother, but to even know him as a person. (Sorry to be so sentimental but I really am grateful for the family that I have if you can’t tell!)

 

But don’t just take my word for it; here is Part 2 of his interview in his own words. Check it out and let me know what you think. (Oh, and you can read Part 1 here).

Part 2:

1.      So this is the second part of your interview. Why did you feel like it was necessary to do a Part 2? I feel like you never want to leave a stone unturned or to have your readers come back after reading something that you said and still have more questions than answers. I just wanted to answer any lingering questions and to finish what I started.

2.      Well, you have already done Part 1, so let’s just jump right into the tough questions shall we?!? Thanks for putting yourself out there and doing this by the way!... So I have been hearing young women comment that their guy isn’t treating them right. What would you say to the person who asks what can she do to make him treat her better? She can’t do anything but walk away… You can’t change people. A guy is going to treat you how you allow him to treat you. First impressions are everything, so if during those first impressions he felt like he could take it there with her and she gave him the impression that it was acceptable, then she shouldn’t be that surprised when it goes too far because she didn’t confront it when she was first presented with the situation. If someone is treating you bad from the beginning, don’t just accept it and wait for things to get worse. If he hit you once then it’s not that shocking if a combo or an uppercut comes after that.

So do you think that these types of guys prey on weak girls then? Yeah, I think that they prey on girls who have low self-esteem and who don’t know their worth. It’s like if you go to a pawn shop and sell something to them for $50 because you were impatient and wanted it sold now, and you thought that was going to be the best offer that you received. But then if you were to take that same item to an appraiser and they said it was worth $15,000, then you would have waited and not sold it for $50 because it was worth more than that. If you knew the worth and value of what you possessed then you wouldn’t have given it away for less than it was worth…. You have to know your worth. Whatever you think you are worth is what you are going to expect and accept.

3.      Since we are on the subject, why do you think some women suffer from low self-esteem? Do you think that the opposite sex has anything to do with it? Some women suffer from low self-esteem because they feel like they don’t measure up. This could come from allowing people to mistreat or speak negatively to them, to believing what other people say about them, or even comparing themselves to other women. Perception is reality so if they don’t feel like they fit that “perfect girl” image or that they measure up to the female whom they admire in the magazines or videos, then they begin to feel insecure about themselves.

Its self-esteem though, so you can always change that. It’s never too late to change your self-esteem because it’s your opinion of yourself; not others people opinion of you. If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect other people to like you? Learn to love yourself first.

4.       So what’s your favorite part about a woman? Confidence… a woman who knows who she is. She doesn’t feel threatened when her man is out of town and she doesn’t feel like she has to show her body all over social media sites to garner attention. She is secure in herself and doesn’t feel like she needs a man to complete her. I also like independence and want to have some level of attraction to her. She doesn’t have to be what others deem the most attractive or appealing, but as long as she believes that she is beautiful and she carries herself that way, then that’s going to get my attention….But let’s be realistic about it too: If someone tells you that you are the complete package, but you’ve never had a date and no one has ever been interested in you (and you have no friend requests), then reevaluate the situation. There is a difference between confidence and stupidity. Don’t allow someone to hype you up and give you false confidence. Be able to back up whatever you are claiming or believe about yourself. You know what you look like and who you are, so be realistic with your expectations.

5.      Knowing and being a part of the athletic world, why do you think that some women allow themselves to become groupies? What do you think that they are actually chasing after? They are chasing after the American dream. They know that if they can sleep with this dude and have his baby then they are probably going to be set for life…. Or that if they get recognized by being with him and experience some level of fame and recognition from that experience, that they can possibly get TV shows or endorsements as a result of that. For them it’s all about fame and money; the limelight.

Some of these women will go out and buy their best outfits (sometimes that they can’t even afford), and purchase the most expensive accessories (that they purchased on a payment plan), just to get their one chance.

Let’s back up a second…can you explain what a groupie is for anybody reading this who doesn’t know?

A groupie is a person who associates with a certain group of people because of their status and the potential benefits and recognition that it may bring her. She knows her role and she realizes that her name is a group…a collection. She doesn’t care that she doesn’t have a commitment from this guy or that he is dating several different people while simultaneously talking to her because she just wants her needs to be met. She doesn’t get jealous because she has no ownership; you can’t get jealous over a rented entity because it was never yours to begin with. Usually groupies have low self-esteem, so they allow this type of behavior because they either don’t realize their worth or they don’t care.

6.      Do you think that there is a difference between a gold digger and a woman who just wants security? Yes. A woman who wants security wants to know that everything is going to be ok if something were to ever happen. She wants to feel assured and protected. A gold digger wants everything, and basically isn’t going to stop until you are broke. She will never be satisfied because she is always going to want more. She is digging for or desiring the gold in everything. She wants all of her shoes to be Jimmy Choos or red bottoms, she wants several houses in different states (or countries), and she wants the most expensive cars…she always wants. A woman who wants security will be ok with silver or bronze…she desires nice things, but her most important objective is just having her needs met and to know that she is being taken care of. All of that extra stuff is just a bonus not a necessity.

7.       Do you think that some men deserve more leniency when it comes to their behavior more so than other guys, depending on who they are or how they were raised? No and yes. Many people see famous people and they see the perceptions surrounding them, and because they are famous they have higher expectations of them. What they fail to realize is that when a regular person goes out the media and the news aren’t watching them, but as soon as an athlete uses the bathroom or eats at a restaurant they are having their pictures taken. So because they are placed under the limelight and have so much pressure placed on them, I do believe that they should be allowed some leniencies because everything that they do is magnified. Whether they want to be or not they are an open book to society, whereas the average person has privacy and doesn’t have every mistake that he has committed being broadcasted everywhere.

8.      Why do you think some guys won’t settle down? They are in their late 20s and 30s and have children, but won’t commit to a woman. Why is she good enough to continue sleeping with, but not good enough to marry? That’s a great question. I hate to say this, but a lot of times those children probably aren’t planned. There is probably something in the woman or something in himself that makes him hesitant or skeptical to commit to. Some people always wonder if they can do better, and they know that marriage is the ultimate commitment, so he probably isn’t ready to settle down until he has found someone that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with.

Maybe he feels as though she is good enough to continue sleeping with and having a good time with, but not good enough to make a commitment to or spend the rest of his life with her. That said, some women keep having those children because they feel like they can use it as leverage, but for the guy who thinks like this that will never be a good reason for him to stay with you. In his head he can still be a great father without being with you, so please don’t try to have a child with someone in hopes that he will stay with you because that might not happen.

Look at the guy you are dealing with. Some guys just won’t commit. Some men have a fear of commitment. And to be honest he probably realizes that he doesn’t have to. If he knows that he can get the benefits of being married without making the commitment, then why not just lease it and return it when he’s done. (Sorry to sound so drastic or to associate women with objects, but I’m just trying to provide a visual). When he is married though, he knows that he can’t just get out of it that easy.

If women raised their standards and drew a clear line in the sand, then those guys would alter their ways. So to answer your question, a lot of it is fear of commitment on the mens behalf but for women it is that they allow it by not setting clear expectations for what they want and what they are looking for.

9.      What’s your opinion about living with someone before marrying them? I was torn on this subject until I did it, but now that I have experienced it and I know better, I think that it is wrong. Not only do you have nothing to look forward to when you get married, but it’s just like it won’t get any better than that. Once you win the Super Bowl, what else can you win? When you are at the top of Mount Everest, where else can you go? If you are living with her and you aren’t married to her, you have already won your prize and there is nothing left to look forward to. You might even start feeling like ‘why should I give you a ring now when we have already done everything?’... I wouldn’t recommend it.

 

Some people argue that you want to test drive a car before you buy it, but you know what a Mercedes, Bentley, or an Audi is before you purchase them. Before you even get into the car you know that it is going to be a superior car because they have high standards in making them. You don’t really have to test it out because the name and the standards speak for themselves. If you saw a good deal on a flat screen that you have been wanting for years, you are going to buy it without question, and then you are going to read the instruction manual on how to make it the best that it can be and to learn how to get the optimal usage out of it.

10.   What qualities do you suggest are good marriage material attributes in a man?

·         Trust- it’s the foundation of the relationship. If you don’t have a strong foundation then you can easily be wiped away when a storm comes.

·         Someone that you are attracted to- you don’t want to be like roommates (and I’m not just talking about physically but socially, mentally, and emotionally as well); you want to like the person that you are with.

·         Protection- A woman doesn’t want to be with a man who can’t protect her. If there is a fire she wants to know that he will help her out of a burning building; not that he is going to knock her over trying to run out first.

·         Provision- not as a gold digger but as a provider. She wants to know that if something happens that she can feel secure. Someone who is resourceful, and even if he can’t cook, he can go buy something. Even though they are depending on each other, she wants to know that she can rest assured in who he is as her husband if something were to happen.

·         Friendship- You want to like the person before you love them. In a marriage you have to be with that person for the rest of your life, and since you are going to see them everyday you may want to make sure that it is somebody that you like and enjoy his company.

11.   What would a dream date be like with you? Every date that we go on is going to be special because we will be spending time with each other. I love food, so I would say that a dream date is having a prominent chef cooking a meal just for the two of us, while Boyz II Men, (have to keep it old school), serenades us. (It’s the winter and they are singing Let It Snow). On the menu are all of her favorite foods, followed by a nice dessert. After that, I would say my goodbyes and go home because I would want to keep her guessing. If it was amazing this time, then the next time I would want to top that.

Guys don’t have dream dates though, so it’s all about the female. You want to give her something to talk about, but don’t give her everything. You want to continue dating her for the rest of your life.

12.   What is the nicest thing that a girl has ever done for you? The nicest thing that a girl has ever done for me was help me pass college, but since we aren’t talking about you…you also took a whooping for me once… and told that I swallowed a quarter when I was smaller and helped me get me medical attention… you made me a bell and stood by my side when I broke my leg; making sure that I had everything that I needed… Or mom taking me to the candy store when I was a kid, or buying me that pool table that I received for Christmas when I didn’t expect it.…I am surrounded by great women so it’s hard to decide.

Ok, but outside of my sister, mom, aunts, and grandma, the nicest thing that a girl has ever done for me is when I got my wisdom tooth pulled and she stood right there by me. She also had her mom cook my favorite meal on my birthday and they drove all the way to my place to bring it to me (even though we don’t live close to each other). It may seem small, but it’s those thoughtful acts that really mean a lot to me.

13.   Mom always told ya’ll (my brothers) to treat the girl that you date like you would want someone to treat your sister. As your sister, what standards are you expecting for the guy that becomes my husband?

This is a great question. Since I only have one sister, I’m going to be more protective of you because not only do I know guys, but I know how much you are worth. It’s not what I have heard about you from other people, but I know the real you, so I know how much you deserve and I know the type of guy that is deserving of you. Because of this I would hold my standards of him extremely high. You always want the best for your family members and since you are my best friend, I only want the finest for you because you deserve that and so much more.

 

When you do get into a relationship and ultimately get married, I will offer you my opinion but the final decision is yours. I would however like to spend some quality time with him before that happens because I want to see what you see in him that you haven’t seen in anybody else. Many guys are wolves in sheep’s clothing, but I have clippers so I will be able to handle it. People are what they are, so his true colors are eventually going to come out anyway. But I want to understand who you are dealing with because I care about you.

And finally, he can’t come between us. Our family has been there for each other through a lot and we all mean the world to one another, and our significant others should add to that dynamic and not hinder it. Once you get married there are going to boundaries and some things will change, but there are some things that you can’t replace. I can’t ever replace you no matter who I marry and I hope it’s the same for you. You are my sister and my best friend. I love you.

****V.M. Says: You are trying to make me tear up with that one; thank you for caring about me so much and for always being there for me. I love you too J***

14.   Any advice for young women who are trying to figure this relationship thing out? How do you figure out the square root of pie? The Bible says that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. A woman should wait to be found. In the earth, many of the things that are worth the most value are those that have to be found: diamonds, gold, oil, etc. Just keep doing the right things and take care of yourself and you will be found. Hard work doesn’t go unnoticed. A real man is going to be looking for you. Don’t get discouraged, and always be presentable and treat people right because you never know who you will meet or where you will meet him. Keep a positive attitude.

15.   What’s your final piece of advice?

I have seen a lot of women and I know the type of women that my mom and sister are, and although the bad girls or the dangerous girls seem fun and intriguing, I have learned not to be enticed or tricked by that. I learned to set my standards and my expectations of what I want in a woman and to not settle for anything less than that. If you want a diamond, don’t go buy cubic zirconia, wait until you get the diamond. I was raised by three incredible women who I wouldn’t trade the world for, so I know that those diamonds are out there…They are worth waiting for.

 

- Virgin Monologuez