An Athlete’s Perspective: My Youngest Brother

It’s the weekend~ yay!!! I am so excited to just chill out and relax; enjoying some much needed R & R. This week was exhausting, so all I want to do at the moment is curl up under a bunch of covers, turn on the ac, and just enjoy some me time… (wishful thinking but that’s another story J).

Enough about me though, let’s get to the real purpose of this post: my youngest brother’s interview (and by youngest I mean he’s 25).

I honestly, thought that he would back out on me (because the questions were going to be so personal and intimate), but he kept his word…which is indicative of his character and good heart.

I guess I should let you all know that I have two brothers, one a couple of years older and one one year younger, and they both are very supportive and protective over me.

When I asked this brother to do the interview and explained to him how females (especially the younger teens that I mentor) need to hear this stuff from a male’s point of view (not to try to “think like a man”- because I don’t necessarily agree with that- but because we live in a society where everything is being glamorized, and as a result there are a lot of misconceptions happening amongst teens. Very few people are being vocal about the consequences of bad actions or the results of sleeping around with numerous guys, so I thought it needed to be heard).

As I stated before in previous posts, I have some AWESOME brothers (we are a very close family), and for my brother to sit down and chat with me about sex, relationships, and girls, being real with me (because I asked him not to sugar coat it), I can only say thank you.

I know we lost our dad when we were younger, but you two guys stepped up to the plate and protected me in so many ways, and all I can say is thank you. 

But I guess this isn’t the time to get all sappy on ya’ll, (I am just so thankful to have the family that I have though!), but here is the interview.

Thanks for breaking some codes and keeping it real for my girls buddy…

An Athlete’s Perspective: My Youngest Brother

1.      Why did you allow me to interview you?

I agreed because I feel like this would bring a different perspective from the previous interviews that you have done: the brother/sister dynamic. We grew up in the same household, raised by a single parent mother, but me being a man I just felt like we would have slightly different ideas about some of the same topics.

2.      I think it’s important to let my reader’s now that you are an athlete, and that your lifestyle/perspective might be different than the average guy. Would you agree with that?

No, not really. At the end of the day it’s the same because I’m a guy first, and then an athlete. All guys have different perspectives and morals; whether you are an athlete, an actor, a doctor, or whatever you want to be, our title doesn’t define who we are as human beings.

3.      Why do you think athletes get a bad wrap in the dating world?

I think athletes get a bad wrap because everything that they do is magnified by being in the spotlight. These are people that we deem role models and people that we look up to, but sometimes we fail to realize that these are just regular people whom we’ve taken the liberty of elevating within society, but they are still just regular people. They make mistakes; they disappoint others; they sometimes fail... they are human. They didn’t ask to be role models, and they are not in your house raising your kids…It’s not their job.

They live their lives on tv and the stuff that they do is just sometimes overstated. People see how the media portrays them, but they don’t understand the underlying dynamics. They are on the road a lot, always training, and there are so many obstacles coming against them and so many temptations that they face, that they are almost set up to fail in a lot of ways. This is not just athletes though; this is movie stars, people in the entertainment industry, or people who just live their lives in the public eye in general.

4.      Do you guys face pressure in the locker room/amongst your peers to live a certain way or to behave a certain way? How does that affect your dating?

Most definitely… I shouldn’t be telling you this, but the locker room is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Some of my former team mates might be upset about this, but this is an interview, you are my sister, and the truth should be told: I can just remember personal experiences even back in high school with athletes telling each other after a game what girls they were going to get with and giving you a list of the good girls and the bad girls, but warning you against the good girls because you wouldn’t really be able to do anything with them.

In the locker room it seems like the bad, promiscuous girls get praised…these are the types of girls that guys talk about the most. Of course they never intend to be with them for good, but they talk about if they slept with them, how long it took, and what it was like...I will never forgot the first time I encountered a situation like this. One of my coaches and a few teammates were talking and I told them my plans were to wait until marriage to have sex, but they had alternate plans for me and told me that they were going to get me a girl for my 16^th birthday, while laughing at my plans to wait. They said you are 16, it’s that time.

5.      Why do you think some guys play down a relationship in front of their friends?

To be honest, I think there are a couple of reasons that guys might play down a relationship. From what I have witnessed, some guys play down relationships because they don’t want to be associated with girls who already have their name out there. You don’t want the stigma of “saving a girl” that your homeboy has already been with. You don’t want to go out with her knowing that she has been with some of your friends.

Another reason why they may play down a relationship is because of their egos or pride. They want to be the man around their peers… guys take a sense of pride about being the man. That means they want to have the prettiest girl, the fliest cars, and so forth. When they are immature and juvenile, guys go mostly off of looks instead of personality; especially when they are younger. As they get older though, most of them realize that they need someone with substance, an education, who knows how to balance a budget, and who can pray you through some things when you are going through it. They realize that beauty fades away and it’s the person on the inside that really matters.

But if I can be really open with you and your readers about it, I’ll explain how I hear a lot of guys talking about dating whenever we are out:

“A lot of guys talk about a “team” in the locker room, and all a team is is a group of girls that you talk to, but they all have different positions and roles just like any other sports team. For example you will have your franchise player who is your “main girl”, as well as having your “bench players” / “role players”, who come off the bench when your “starters” are acting up to replace them”.

This mentality of degrading women and treating them like objects is everywhere and it’s just a continuing cycle. Even when I first got to college they asked me what was my gpa and  me being naïve, I told them a 3.0, and they said no, your girl point average- how many girls have you slept with… It was crazy.

But when you look at rap videos, movies, etc that bash women and are being shown without hesitation or remorse, the message that they are sending to our youth is that the more women and material possessions that you have, the more powerful and popular you are.

6.      How does that lifestyle affect your dating choices and habits? Do you usually go for the girl in the low-cut, form fitting clothes who is throwing herself at you, or are you more attracted to the classy, not-revealing-everything-at-once type of girl?

This has impacted me greatly because it seems like we as men want the best of both worlds…. but to give you the straightforward answer, I want a woman who respects herself and knows her worth.

A lot of guys want that woman who is classy and knows how to handle her business, but also knows how to enjoy herself and have a good time. In general, most people want to date a girl that they can take home to their mom and family, who has morals and dresses respectfully. The thing is though that they end up messing around with girls that are the exact opposite because it’s easy and you know it’s not going to go anywhere. Girls need to recognize that the way that they present themselves means a lot.

For example, if you see a person dressed in a uniform with a gun and badge, driving a car with blue lights on top, you are probably going to think that he or she is a police officer. In the same way, if you see a girl with a short skirt or tight dress, revealing way too much, and behaving like she doesn’t care, some people will most likely think that she is an easy target or promiscuous, (advertising basically), because that’s the way that she is presenting herself.

Unfortunately in our society, perception is reality. You don’t want to take a girl with a fast food mentality to a sit down restaurant…And as guys we are asking where the good girls are, but we are looking in the wrong places to get them.

7.      How do you feel about weave, make-up, and plastic surgery?

My honest answer is that most guys are simple minded and we know it’s not real, but it is enticing. Sort of like the plastic fruit that your grandma used to have in the kitchen. You knew it wasn’t real, but it looked so good and shiny that you still wanted to bite it. It’s like our fascination with 3d movies. We know it’s not real but it adds an element of surprise or suspense. So I don’t have a problem with it one way or the other; as long as the woman likes it, I love it.

That said though, if you are going to have weave and stuff, have it the entire time. Don’t have nails and eyelashes one day, and then look like Mr. Potato Head the next day. Keep it consistent. That’s why most guys are fascinated with Beyonce; you have never seen her with a doo-rag or flip-flops, or coming out of the house with a bandana on looking like a robber. Don’t have lace-fronts one day and be natural the next. It’s false advertisement and it’s confusing. 

On facebook a guy should be able to go through the whole album without having to explain why his girlfriend looks like this or why her eyebrows look different. You shouldn’t have to always go to one picture of her to show people, but the entire album should be consistent.

8.      What do you think about sex before marriage?

I think that sex before marriage is very dangerous. By me saying dangerous you are putting yourself at risk for situations that you are not ready for, such as children, diseases, or a variety of other situations that could pop up. But I also think that getting married just for sex is dangerous as well, which we normally don’t talk about but we should. Marriage should be sacred, but in so many ways we are making a mockery out of it.  People need to explain to their children why sex before marriage is wrong, and not just saying sex before marriage is wrong.

Something that I want to point out is that statistics show that whoever you have slept with, you have also slept with the people that that person has slept with, and considering that a growing percentage of people have had some form of std/sti, that doesn’t equate good news. They have good soaps out there, but like mom said, soap can’t wash everything off.

On a more personal note, while it’s very dangerous from a physical standpoint, it’s even more dangerous from a spiritual standpoint because God says it wrong and He has the ability to put you in a Heaven or a hell, and you don’t want to displease your Creator.

9.      Do you think that there is a stigma against guys who have not lost their virginity by a certain age? If so, why?

Most definitely. I remember when I was 16 and they were like what’s wrong with you; even the coach replied why. I was so young and naïve at the time, that I was very impressionable. It felt like they were questioning my manhood and my sexuality, and I wasn’t ready to handle that type of barraging at that age.

It seems like in today’s society the reality tv stars, the groupies, and the women who just put themselves out there are being praised, while virgins and those who practice abstinence are shunned because they are considered lame. The wrong kind of message is being told, but no one is commenting on the consequences of these actions.

People see the life of those that are living their lives in the public eye, and sometimes they try to emulate what they see, but they aren’t getting the whole story. Nobody is talking about the negative consequences, and that’s why I wanted to do this interview: people see the enjoyable things- the money, the cars, the lifestyle- but they don’t see the feelings of emptiness or loneliness that come with it. No one talks about how when they play with a girls emotions and lead her own, how that girl then goes on to do the same thing to someone else, and the cycle continues… It’s almost like those car commercials that you see on tv; they tell you no down payment, but you get your first payment and it’s almost the same as your house payment….a misleading cycle of disappointment.

10.  What would your ideal girl be like?

I don’t have an ideal girl per say. The way I figure out what I want is by subtracting what I don’t want. I don’t want a girl who is superficial, one-dimensional, or materialistic. I want a girl who can look good in a turtle neck or a two piece. My main thing is confidence.

So many times girls are waiting on guys to get their stamp of approval, when they should realize that with guys it doesn’t really matter what you are wearing- it’s all about confidence. Whether you have on red bottoms or pink bottoms, if you have confidence and you know that you are attractive, then guys are going to be drawn to you.

I have never heard a guy say ‘did you see the bottom of her shoes, they were pink instead of red’ or ‘did you see her hair it was yaki hair instead of Malaysian human hair;  I’m not talking to her’. It doesn’t happen.

I want a girl who is self-assured…not just in her looks but in her abilities to carry a conversation and who knows that whether she brought her clothes from a thrift store or saks fifth, that she is beautiful. I want a classy, down-to-earth woman. Not like a material “basketball wife”, because if you look, the majority of them are not married. If you look at the real wives of athletes and stars, they are just regular women who are ladies and conduct themselves as so, and can do the everyday tasks. This goes back to a saying that I have heard many guys use: ‘some girls you can take home to momma, and some girls you just take home’.

Me being a momma’s boy from the south, I want someone who can take care of her business and her household. Once the lace fronts, makeup, fingernails and so forth are gone, there needs to be some substance there.

In a relationship you don’t want a liability, you want an asset. Marriage is something that should last forever, so when everything changes you still want someone that brings something to the table. To quote one of my best friends Muddy (whose interview is here), ‘never get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have as much to loose as you’. Meaning iron sharpens iron….if you are in a relationship and you have everything to loose and she doesn’t have a house, a car, anything…and you marry her, if the two of you divorce, she is taking everything (i.e. Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods).  Or ladies, if you are dating a guy fresh out of prison, with no education, no car, and 10 kids, he has nothing to loose; you are the only one at risk.

11.  So many girls are searching for “The One”. What advice would you give to a girl who is wondering when will be her time?

Stop wondering and start living. When you least expect it, that’s when it will happen. A perfect example is when I loose something like my wallet or keys; I usually I don’t find it, but when I stop searching, it almost always just shows up. This means once you stop looking, it will find you.

We live in a popcorn generation where we want things to happen immediately; we don’t have patience. How many times have we been in a fast food restaurant and the line was going slowly so you left, only for it to start moving fast as soon as you get out of the line.

Society sets norms that determine around this age I want to be married, have a family, etc. but it shouldn’t be rushed like that. Don’t get discouraged; be patient and enjoy the time that you have right now getting to know yourself… And try not to desire someone else’s life; you don’t know what their story is or what they had to go through to get there.

12.  Is there anything else that you want to add that I didn’t ask you?

Yeah. From a guy’s point of view, and as a mentor coming from a single parent home, more guys need to rise up and be mentors to other guys; telling them about their experiences and trying to encourage them. I commend you for giving out these interviews and for showing the pros and the cons….getting real interviews from real people. These discussions need to be had.

Guys need to see positive examples. Generally, they don’t feel comfortable talking to their mom or sister about sex- they need to hear it from a male. If you don’t mind, I want to do a Part 2 about my own decisions and share my own story about sex before marriage- I want to get real and tell my own journey so that people know what can really happen. I want to do anything I can, to let people know the potential consequences. So if you would let me, let’s do a Part 2 to this sometime soon.

I want to conclude by saying that this has been a great interview; I never knew how far I came until I was forced to reflect on it. It’s great being able to give your own personal story, from your own perspective. I would hate MediaTakeout or TMZ to give preconceived notions about me just by looking at me with a picture that they took. I think that this is an excellent platform, and you can literally say that you heard it here first from VirginMonologuez. You don’t have to worry about anyone twisting your story or misconstruing your words to get a quota or for magazine sales. I would rather hear it from the source, and that’s what you have allowed me.

Thank you. I love you sis.