Monologue Monday: Me (Part 2)

DECSIONS…DECSIONS… To Do or Not To Do???

For those of you who haven’t read Part 1 of why my longest relationship ended, please click here first. This will be the conclusion….

And while I’m at it, I just want to say that I’m not putting myself out there just to tell you ALL of my business!

I am doing this because I hope that it can encourage and assist someone else when it comes time for them to make a decision with regards to their relationships and personal values. If you think that it’s lame or ridiculous in this day and age to save yourself until marriage then that’s ok, but this is just how I am choosing to live MY life.

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.  – Song of Songs 2:7

This is the one scripture that I can’t get out of my head…I never could. Even during my past relationships, this always stuck out in my mind.

People, (more specifically my exes), always ask(ed) me do I want to be intimate with someone one day…um yes! Of course I want to, but I am not willing to play around with taking my relationships “there” with the hopes of being able to stop when/if I get uncomfortable. Why not just never take it there to begin with?

And on that note, they could never understand why I didn’t have the same desires for things that they did. Well, outside of the obvious being my beliefs and values, I never desired or took pleasure in the same things as they did because I never experienced or entertained it to begin with. You can’t desire or crave something that you have never had; likewise, you can’t know what you are missing if you never experienced it before.

For instance, I have never smoked…nor have I ever had the desire to do so. That said, I’m not sitting at my desk craving nicotine because I don’t even know what it tastes like. Put a can of Pringles or a white chocolate covered strawberry (or any yummy dessert) in front of me though, and my mouth is going to start watering!

I long for it when it’s in front of me because I have experienced it before, and I know how delicious and enjoyable it is and can be.

To get back to the story and to be concise, towards the beginning of the two year mark of our relationship, I was given a warning if you will. He told me that he was a very passionate and sensual guy, and that if I wanted to continue to be with him then I needed to make some compromises…umm yeah.

As I’m writing this now I realize how crazy that sounds, (the nerve of somebody to give me an ultimatum regarding my body), but while it was happening my heart was broken.

****Can I just throw in a little side note here: if someone that you care about is asking you to compromise your FAITH and VALUES because they don’t fit his idea of the good life, then he might not be the right one for you. There are plenty of other people in the world who will share the same beliefs and values as you do, and those are the ones that you want to associate yourself with. If you are feeling bad about the situation, trust your instincts and take that as a red flag to LEAVE!!!! ****

But back to the story, I struggled with this request for a while in my head. On the one hand, I couldn’t imagine sharing my body with someone who hadn’t put a ring on it yet…Like seriously, I just didn’t think that he or anybody else was or has been WORTH me sharing myself with him without him making a permanent commitment to me. I have seen the tears and heartache of my friends and never once have any of them said ‘I am glad that I didn’t wait’. They have however said ‘I wish I wouldn’t have done it; he wasn’t worth it’.

On the other hand, and to be fair to the guy, he was a really cool person for the most part (plus I had already spent two years of my life with him and he was talking marriage ‘one day’).

After he gave me the initial warning, mentally I questioned myself about how far was really too far for me. I didn’t want to loose myself, but at the time I also didn’t want to loose him. During this time, I realized that I shouldn’t have to compromise MY BODY to please someone else.

No matter how much I wanted to ‘make it work’, I just couldn’t allow myself to take it to certain places- I literally just couldn’t do it (not like something is wrong with me health wise and I just couldn’t do it lol, but like mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I just couldn’t do it- Just wanted to throw that out there; everything is working fine (I pray J), I just couldn’t do it though).

Let’s just say that it’s by the grace of God that the relationship ended when it did. I ended up dating him for about another year after that, but during this time I grew closer to God and further away from him. Thank God for a praying mother and good pastors, because they were always on point with what I needed to hear during that time.

God was protecting me from this guy, from myself, and for my future husband.

Instead of running towards the guy (and essentially away from my faith), I stood my ground and waited to see what happened. I guess it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that we are no longer together though.

He kept his promise and broke up with me because I refused to sleep with him, and I cried my eyes out for a good while because I had just given someone THREE YEARS of my life (and been honest with him about my principles from the start), but he just couldn’t do it- he didn’t get it.

He didn’t deserve me or my body, and I am so grateful that I never gave it to him. I lost a boyfriend, but I kept my dignity, my virginity, and my values.

-Virgin Monologuez