Monologue Monday: Dating vs. Courting

Ok, so I have been putting off this subject for a while now. A few months back I talked about writing a post on the topic, but always just shied away from it. Then recently I started getting several emails from teens and some young ladies asking when I was going to create the post, and so I decided that now was the time.

On the one hand, I am more than eager to share my beliefs and opinions on the matter…But on the other hand, I realize that they are just that: my opinions.

Which is the reason why I was hesitant….I am a strong believer in staying true to yourself and being you even if no one else gets you, but I also realize that what I write is being posted in a public domain and therefore I hold myself accountable for the things that I write for other people to read.

While some people may be reading this just because, others are really curious about dating, waiting, sex, and all things in between. I don’t want to lead someone in the wrong direction because I have spoken out of turn or incorrectly.

That said, as you read below please keep in mind that I am coming at this from a personal perspective as well as having done research on the topic to gain more insight on the matter.

So here is my take on courting and dating. If after reading this you are still trying to figure out what’s right for you and you still want to know more, I suggest you do some research, seek the advice of mentors and adults that you trust, or go and talk with a pastor or counselor.

Courting vs. Dating

Courting: To seek to win a pledge of marriage from « To try to gain the love or affections of « To engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage. (Webster)

Characteristics of courting:

·       You have the opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with someone and truly get to know who they are and what they stand for.

·       Because sex is not a part of courting, you have a greater sense of security and confidence in the special bond that you two share. (You know that the other person really likes you for you and not because of a physical relationship that the two of you could be partaking in).

·       There is a clear direction for where the relationship is headed.

·       Usually you meet in group settings or public places, cutting down on the temptations that being alone in a more intimate setting may evoke.

·       You generally have peace of mind. There are no mind games or manipulation with courting; the other person genuinely has your best interest at heart.

Dating: A social engagement between two people that often has a romantic character « To go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest « Two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship. (Webster/Wikipedia)

Characteristics of dating:

·       Typically there is some type of expectation of physical intimacy (of some sorts) in the near future. (I’m not saying that this happens in all relationships or that the physical intimacy is always sex, but it does happen in many relationships and it is sex more often than not).

·       You are encouraged to be alone in more intimate settings.

·       There is not always a commitment beyond the next date, therefore potentially encouraging insecurity, low self esteem, and the fear of being alone or of abandonment.

·       You have potentially shared yourself with multiple people who were undeserving of you.

·        In essence, you are practicing for divorce because you are allowing yourself to jump from one person to the next with no true commitment to the other individual. There is always the promise of someone “better” coming along …if it doesn’t work out, you can always find someone else.

·        Rejection becomes a reality.

·        It allows for self-satisfaction apart from the responsibilities of marriage.

Many people when they think of courting, they think of an old-fashioned term that seems more like an arranged marriage or a highly structured activity than a plausible way of life for themselves. The thought of dating someone with no rules and possibly even no strings attached is thus much more alluring and exciting for some.

The truth is that both of these notions are incorrect. Courting is not an outdated idea but really it is the type of relationship that one should strive for if they are serious about being in a relationship and getting to know someone more. Likewise, dating is not always as exciting as it sounds.

In most settings, dating is something that is done one on one; creating a sense of familiarity and casualness at a much faster pace than courting might. As a result of the intimacy and ease that is often times associated with dating someone, a person could be in a relationship with their significant other for an extended period of time without actually truly knowing who the person is or what they stand for. In most cases this is because dating provides the opportunity to be physical with one another (prompting a false sense of security and awareness of who the other person is), before actually knowing who he is or if he is even committed to you.

That said, dating doesn’t always mean a physical relationship. It does however provide more opportunity for intimacy and promiscuity to occur.

Furthermore, dating has the potential to lead to a lot of heartbreak and disappointment. Often times people get in relationships with their significant other with no regards for the future or what kind of traits they desire in their future spouse. Because they haven’t really thought about what they want their future to look like, (or just don’t want to be alone so they go along with the flow and remain in a dating relationship because its familiar and comfortable), they are creating a lot of unnecessary problems for themselves.

When someone has no intentions of being apart of your future and you yourself can’t imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with that individual, then there comes a point where you have to ask yourself ‘what am I doing?’

Why waste time being with someone that you know you could never commit to being with forever?

At that point though, if you have already engaged in a physical relationship with the other person, then not only have you given them a piece of you that you shouldn’t have, but you have also ran the risk of being tied to someone emotionally and spiritually because the two of you became one but it was never meant to take place.

Thus, although courting may seem like an old fashioned idea to some, it seems to have a person’s best interest at heart.

It really boils down to knowing what you want out of your relationships. Are you looking to meet random guys, possibly putting yourself in intimate relationships with them when they don’t deserve you, with the hopes of getting to know them better and maybe getting serious with them but maybe not. Or are you waiting for the right guy to come along, for him to realize that you are more than worth the wait, and for him to just want to get to know you (not your body), with the intentions of one day marrying you (because you are just that special).

With one scenario there is a serious commitment, and with the other there are just a bunch of possibilities (to get to know him better, to become physically intimate, to just ‘check out your options’).

What do you think is right for you?

-Virgin Monologuez