Monologue Monday: How I’m Doing It

One of the questions that I get asked a lot by many of the girls that I mentor (and I guess by just as many guys that are curious), is ‘how are you doing it?’

My first response is to make sure they know that I’m not doing anything in my own strength- with God all things are possible! Plus, I have several rules for myself that I have developed along the way (throughout this dating process).

I’m going to keep it real and honest with ya’ll though. For some reason people think that my feelings and emotions don’t work or have just been turned off, and then one day they will magically reappear and that’s how I’m able to wait-because I don’t have the same feelings and desires as others.

THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!

I am just like anyone else in the sense that I desire to share myself with someone and to be intimate with someone, it’s just that that someone is my future husband, and that time is when we get married.

There’s nothing undoable or impossible about it… at least not to me. I just believe in certain principles and values, and I have learned how to say no both to myself and to others. I genuinely believe that waiting lays the right foundation for a successful relationship and it honors God, so it just makes sense to me.

Now I’m not going to lie or make myself look like some saint- it has gotten really difficult at one point or another. But it has also been entirely preventable and avoidable depending on my actions and the environments that I have allowed myself to be in.

When I was younger I was A LOT more naïve about things, and I thought I could participate in things just like my peers and it not affect me or have any impact on me; THAT’S ALSO NOT TRUE!!!

No one- Christian or otherwise- is immune from their choices not having consequences. For Christians however, we do have God’s grace and forgiveness on our side, so that’s definitely a positive.

I quickly learned that I couldn’t do everything like everyone else, and still SINCERELY maintain the same values and beliefs that I had. I had to set myself apart. And sometimes that meant being called lame and boring because I wouldn’t participate in certain things like everybody else. I was cool with that.

I think most people- whether you are waiting until you are married or not- set standards for themselves when it comes to dating and relationships. One of my rules for myself, and one rule that I think played the biggest impact on me still remaining a virgin now, is that I was always held accountable by someone else (and in my case it was my mother).

Now, I’m not saying that you should go out and start telling your mom everything- that would probably be extremely embarrassing and uncomfortable (but if you’re for it, then that’s cool too J), but I am suggesting that you get a close friend, mentor, or relative whom you trust, and ask them to hold you accountable after your dates.

I know this may sound so crazy and off the wall to some people, but if you’re really serious about waiting and you do well when others hold you accountable for something, than this would be perfect….and it is what worked for me.

My mom isn’t overbearing or too inquisitive, and we have a really good relationship, so it has been really easy for me to talk to her over the years. And giving her details about my dates- and being honest about it- has really helped me because I don’t like lying to her…I actually feel really bad when I do.

Just knowing that I would have to share the details about what I did earlier made me really think about my actions while I was out. If I was doing anything that I knew I shouldn’t have been doing, and if I felt embarrassed or the need to change up what actually happened even in the slightest bit, then I knew that what I was doing was wrong.

Like I said before, I just want to reiterate that this may not be for everyone- but it was right for me and I’m so glad that I followed these guidelines.

Some other things that have helped me in no particular order are:

·         Having a curfew-This is more for when I was younger than now, but even now I try not to stay out past a certain time unless it’s a special occasion or the event calls for it.

·         Living at home with my mom while I was in college- I lived away for two years and at home for two years, and the two years that I was away in my own apartment offered me A LOT more chances to get in to all kinds of trouble. I have since lived on my own again, but while I was still growing up and trying to experience life, it was a bit more difficult for me to handle because I had all of this new found freedom and no real person to answer to- which is why I suggest having someone hold you accountable for your actions.

·         Talked with the guys I dated/was in a relationship with before things got serious- I have openly talked about my desire to wait with each guy that I have dated/been in a relationship with. Usually this is a good way to weed them out lol, but sometimes you run into those dudes that are like ‘no problem I respect that’….and then 6 months later they are asking you is it time yet. I had one of those- it was a fail!

·         Try to avoid being alone in dark, isolated places with no real plan or reason for being there- If someone is taking you on a date and they are like ‘let’s go to the park’ (at night) , or ‘let me take you to this place where we can really see the stars’- I would think twice. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be with someone in the dark- that’s almost impossible, but I am suggesting that you be careful WHERE you are in the dark. If somebody is parking their car, turning off the engine, and there is nothing or no one around, they either want to do one of two things, and neither one of them is good in my opinion.

·         No overnight gatherings- at a house, hotel, apartment...wherever- I have actually done this before a few times for reasons that seemed out of my control before, but now that I’m writing this NONE OF THEM were that good. While nothing ever happened, it was still not the best situation to be placing oneself in when trying to wait until marriage. It’s too risky a situation, and puts you in a potentially compromising situation, even if you have the best of intentions.

·         Don’t share your business with EVERYBODY- There are a lot of people in the world that want to see you succeed, but there are also those who want to see you fail. Don’t go around telling everybody everything because inevitably someone might try to do everything in their power to make sure that you are unsuccessful. I know some guys/ jerks take pride in being your first and being able to say that they were your first one; even if that means coercing you into doing something that you say you aren’t ready for. So be careful how much (if anything) of your information that you share with other people- both male and female alike. Everyone who seems like they have your best interest at heart doesn’t always. (And I know it’s ironic that I am sharing my information with the world, but there is a reason why I haven’t revealed my identity, and this is one of them! Not paranoid ….just precautious J).

·         Going to church, journaling, and reading my Bible- I am a firm believe in what you put into your body is bound to come out one way or another. Whether that is physically, sociologically, emotionally, or whatever. We live in a sex-driven world. If I were to constantly expose myself to the views of everyone around me, and look at as much television, magazines, and internet as possible, I would begin to take on the mindset of what I was watching and allowing to entertain me. Likewise, if I am going to church, reading my Bible, and surrounding myself with like minded people, then I will remain grounded, know why I have the principles that I have, and be more confident in the choices that I make.

Some of these points might be really off for you, and if so, my apologizes. These are rules that work for me; what works for one person may not work for someone else. With that said though, if you want to really get serious about this waiting thing, then you should try to make sure that you do have SOME RULES set up in place, so that you have guidelines to follow and you can draw yourself back in when/ if you get out of line.

I am not good on my own, but it’s by the grace of God that I am living the lifestyle that I am. Take God out of the equation, and I’m just another girl trying to find love in all of the wrong places. Thus, it is IMPERATIVE that I make my faith a priority.

So these are just a few of my tips. What about you? What tips do you find helpful in terms of setting guidelines for your relationship?