7/23/12

Monologue Monday: Christin


Christin is intelligent, funny, witty, kind, compassionate, very giving (she would literally give you the clothes off of her back), stunning, strong and very candid. Since I have met her she has ALWAYS been self-less, motivated, encouraging, and supportive of all who enter into her life.
As you will soon discover, as a result of various situations that occurred to her over the years, Christin has had to deal with some very serious issues and it has impacted her self-worth and self-esteem. Even though the trials that she has had to endure have affected the way that she esteems herself, she still is one of the sincerest, most charming, most genuine people that I have ever encountered, and nothing that has happened to her can take that away from her.
She seriously is like a breath of fresh air and I’m so glad honored to call her my friend.
When she decided that she wanted to share her story with you all, I was very humbled and grateful that she would openly reveal it in hopes that it in turns impacts someone else’s life.
So here’s Christin’s story in her own words:

Monologue Monday: Christin

First of all, thanks and admiration to my friend who runs this site. I think that the way the media , our culture and our peers (as influenced by the media/culture) portray sex is pretty skewed from its reality, and not all people (myself included) have trusted adults in their lives to have open discussions about sex and all that it implies.
Having a site such as this one then is entirely valuable, and I’m so proud of my friend for the time and effort that she puts into answering all of your questions and  finding interesting and caring people to tell you their experiences.
Secondly, there’s the key phrase above: ‘their’ experience.
When you read these monologues, you get a privileged insight into the mistakes and triumphs of others. In writing my story, I can’t offer you a manual of what to do or what not to do. I can only tell you what I did. Hopefully something that I say resonates with you or you find applicable to your own life. Either way, I guess I’d just like to give someone the opportunity to learn from my experience so as to avoid the pain and consequences that I have faced in my life.
I grew up as a conservative, evangelical Christian, and my role models were the people at my church who never even held hands until their wedding night. I was intent upon waiting for marriage to share this great intimacy with one person and one person only. I wanted to remain pure for my God and have an innocence about myself that my future husband would admire.
One of my favorite sermons from my youth pastor discussed how pre-marital sex was essentially adultery perpetrated against our future spouse, and I took that lesson to heart. I would absolutely not engage outside of the confines of a marital bed.

Then, things changed. For reasons that are tangentially irrelevant to the subject of this post, I ceased to claim Christ as my Savior. I had always been told that it was my duty to wait for marriage because I was God's child and that's what he wanted for me. No one ever told me that I, as a human being, have an inherent value to myself that entitles me to wait for all the best that sex has to offer. So, since my moral standing against pre-marital sex had been purely religious, I floated in an uncomfortable moral abyss of confusion and curiosity about all the things that had formerly been entirely off-limits to me. And that’s where trial and error – A LOT of error – entered my life.
When I was 21, I made one of the worst decisions of my life. I ended a night of excessive drinking with friends and had to take the last Metro home, by myself, at 3am. During that trip, I was targeted by a male who recognized my state of incoherence. He took advantage of me.  And that’s how I lost my virginity.
That night created a disjointed relationship between sex and intimacy for me. Sex became just another thing to do and lost any sort of specialness that it should – and certainly does – have. I’m struggling to close that gap, but for an assortment of reasons, it’s proving extremely difficult.
For someone like me, who struggles with body image issues and low self-esteem, the desire/lust that comes from physical interactions can be easily confused as genuine affection or simply personal affirmation. As such, I have given myself to more men in the past 2 years than I care to be true, several of whom were just for one night.
Of the people with whom I’ve shared that part of myself, only one of them genuinely mattered to me. I was – and still am – in love with him. It pains me to think how I’ve so degraded him and what I shared with him by allowing others to have that same part of me.
When I look back, I remember the moment when he apologized to me for having been with other girls (at that time, I had only been with that one man on that fateful night). I remember the look in his eyes, how it bothered him that what we were to do was inherently less special because of how willingly he’d done it in the past.
And, now, I will have that same responsibility of apologizing through my broken heart to someone in the future. I will need to apologize for how I held myself in such low regard that I sought affirmation of my personal worth through the body of someone else. How I’ve so disassociated sex from emotion so as to degrade both myself and the act of sex itself. With every person with whom I share that intimate act, I’ve lessened the specialness that sex will have with the last person who ever has that part of me.

2 comments:

  1. Some really interesting points you have written. Aided me a lot, just what I was looking for : D.

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