I'm Taking A Break....

I’m on vacation!!!

While I’ll miss blogging and talking with you all J, it’s nothing permanent or too long! I’ll be away until the 16^th Sept just getting such much needed rest and spending some quality time with my peeps.

I hope you all are ok and enjoying life. Can’t wait to catch up when I get back, but until then, live everyday to the fullest!!!

-Have a good week J

Monologue Monday: Shar

Hi ya’ll! How’s it going????

I hope your Monday is getting off to a great start and that you are all doing well!

Before I introduce you to the guest poster for today, I want to just mention that more than half of the posts for Monologue Mondays are by women that I’ve never physically met before.

I’ve either been introduced to them by another blogger, have been following their site for a while (and adored them!), or they have simply just emailed me and stated that they wanted to share their own story (after following the site for a while and gaining an appreciation for the purpose behind it).

I’m always so honored and grateful when, in any of the cases, the women agree to share themselves with us and to make themselves vulnerable and transparent.

If you can imagine, it’s not easy putting your laundry out there for the world to see, but since there is a greater purpose behind revealing intimate details about past relationships, they are more than willing to make that sacrifice. And to that, I am thankful!

I love providing a platform for other women (and teens J) to share their experiences with each other. While as a group we might not always handle the situations in the same manner as another person, there is always a lesson in every story and an opportunity to grow and to become a better individual... even if it didn’t happen to you.

And on that note, today you will meet Shar. She is one of those individuals that I’ve never met physically, but we’ve been corresponding via email for the past couple of months and she seems like a really cool person.

When she first started emailing me, she was so warm and considerate and over the course of us talking via email, she has been nothing but kind and encouraging. I really enjoy talking with her, and get excited when I open my inbox and see that she has sent me a message! (I l♥ve getting emails and messages from ya’ll!!!)

So when she decided that she wanted to share her story, she wasted no time in writing it up and getting it to me.

So here’s her story:

Monologue Monday: Shar

As many times as I like to thank God for giving me the inspiration and the strength to stay a virgin, I won’t lie, it’s been a struggle. I pray that this really helps someone who is perhaps going through some of the same things.

My decision to stay pure started when I was very young. Of course at the time, I had my mom down my neck about boys and sex. But I can say that I was also blessed to always have that feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that it was the right decision to wait.

It wasn’t hard at first to keep my virginity; I wasn’t seeing anyone and at the time I hadn’t even had my first kiss. Amongst my peers, I was the purest girl they knew.

I didn’t know much about sex except for what I was told or had seen in school (you know sex ed). And I had the overwhelming urge to just please God and honor him by waiting.

It didn’t matter to me what anyone else thought. It was just me and God.

It also sort of helped me by watching others and seeing what sex (when done outside of the realms that it was created for), can do to your mental and emotional self. I saw how sex had hurt one of my family members and I told myself that I wouldn’t go through any of that. I didn’t want to. It seemed heartbreaking to have a kid and the father of the child not wanting to have anything to do with her or her baby.

No, I didn’t want anything to do with sex.

That is until I turned 17 or 18 and I got my first boyfriend. At that time a lot was on my mind: starting art school, my mom passing away the year before, wanting to find some meaning in my life again. It was a lot to deal with, and I was overwhelmed with the new feelings I was having.

Everything was so new to me...especially since I had never had a boyfriend before.

But it all came crashing down when I got caught in a vicious cycle. He wanted to go half-way (not all the way) and I was caught in a battle between what I felt was right and what I knew.

See, beforehand it was easy to say "Oh, I'll just say no..." But when those feelings come (and you know what kind of feelings I’m talking about), and your mind is off in fantasy land, saying yes seems like the easiest thing right?!?

Well, God had begun to really work on me and I began to see how my actions were hurting my spirit. I had told my boyfriend (who knew of God but didn’t have a relationship with him) that we shouldn’t go against the will of God anymore. He seemed ok with it, but something deep down told me that he really wasn’t.

Now don’t get me wrong, he really did fall in love with me. Sex wasn’t what it was about. But it played a part in it because he wasn’t a virgin and I was and still am.

So one night, the very night that I had realized my true feelings about him. He slept with another girl; I was devastated when I found out. And I was more devastated when he did it more than once. I began to question myself and a lot of other things.

I felt as if my entire world was shaken. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I could barely breathe and function throughout the day... I felt betrayed. How could he have done that to me? Wasn’t I everything that he wanted?

The answer was simple: he was selfish and only thought of himself at the time.

When we are controlled by our desires we tend to forget everything else. Now I contemplated on whether I should stay or go.

In the end, I decided to stay with him and to see where it leads. A lot went down (in the past couple of years) between then and now. The short version is that my boyfriend had a lot of growing up to do and I did as well. I can say he's changing for the better and I'm doing a lot better as well.

When deciding what is right for you, just remember not to put anyone or anything before God.... He was there first and He always knows what’s best for you.

Monologue Monday: Me

I want to preface this by saying that even though this post is about dating, I’m currently single and LOVING IT! My motto is when it’s supposed to happen it’ll happen, and in the mean time I’m just going to enjoy as much ‘me time’ as I possibly can.

Monologue Monday: Dating and the Single Life

Being a 27 year old virgin is pretty interesting at times. Not necessarily for reasons that you might imagine either. For me, (especially at this point in my life), my biggest challenge isn’t trying NOT to have sex or be intimate with others. My biggest obstacle is actually dating. Yes, you read right- DATING.

In the words of my ex boyfriend (he’s an ex for a reason right?!?!?), “you would make the perfect wife, but you aren’t girlfriend material”. (When I asked him why he would say something so crazy, he said it’s because I have the qualities that a guy looks for in a wife, but when you’re young you just want to have fun…not date someone who is cautious and responsible)…um yeah, did I mention that he was my ex.

But anyways, (and if ya’ll don’t mind I’m going to get fairly personal with this post), but seriously though, when it comes to dating it really is a challenge sometimes.

I’m one of those girls that loves to have a good time. Usually whenever I’m out I’m always smiling and energetic (and probably laughing like crazy). I really do enjoy life.

At the same time, I hold my beliefs and values really close to my heart and there are a lot of things that I’m just not willing to compromise on.

And this is where the challenges of dating come in to play (and why I referenced my ex earlier): I’m laid-back and relaxed enough to not take myself or life too seriously, but I’m devoted and committed to my faith enough to stand strong when sticking to my principals.

For some reason this is confusing to many of the guys that I encounter.

Some guys seem to think that if I’m happy-go-lucky with my attitude and demeanor, then I’ll be the same with my body and emotions, and that’s just so absurd to me (and confusing to them when they try me).

And I guess the second part to this is that being 27 and living on my own and having all of the freedoms that I have, they really don’t get it when I tell them the few rules that I have for myself. (I.e. no overnight stays, having somewhat of a curfew, etc).

They are usually like ‘why does a grown woman have restrictions on how she lives her life?’

Side note- if somebody says this to me I keep it moving because they obviously are not the one for me. I set limits because I’m proactive and that’s what works for me fool! (I don’t call people fools- or any type of bad name really, but this is what I’m thinking sometimes).

So needless to say there have been many times that I have just felt so discouraged with the entire process. Honestly, that’s why some might even suggest courting instead of dating (which I should get around to writing a post about one day- note to self!), but there is one thing that always brings me encouragement and that is this:

You have to stay true to yourself in life. There are going to be some guys (maybe even a lot of guys) that just don’t get you, and that’s ok.

You don’t want to compromise your standards or desires just because it doesn’t fit into someone else’s mold or idea of what they think you should be.

I’m going to keep on laughing, keep on smiling, and keep on enjoying life every chance that I get. If someone doesn’t get me then they just don’t get me- that’s ok with me.

Ultimately when I meet my special guy, he is going to accept that I don’t want to have sex before marriage. He is going to appreciate that I respect myself and my values enough to set certain limits on our interactions with one another (until marriage). And he is going to love that I am me: quirky, engaging, fun, and full of life.

In short, he is going to get me and we are going to be equally yoked and on the same page with things.

Until that time….until I meet the man that accepts me just as I am (quirks and all J), then I am content on just living life to the fullest and making the most out of every opportunity.

I might not have been “girlfriend material” for my ex, but I will be that and so much more for someone someday, and I don’t mind waiting until that time.

The best things happen unexpectedly ….

-Virgin Monologuez

P.S. Trust God and just live life…everything will happen when it should. Just relax J!

Monologue Monday: Sally

I was telling ya’ll earlier in the 411 post here, that today you would meet my friend Sally. I’m genuinely SO EXCITED about her monologue! While all of the monologues that others have written have spoken to me in one way or another, Sally’s post really hit home for me the most.

As soon as I read it I called her up immediately and was like ‘I can’t wait to post this!’

Before I get into her story though, let me pump my breaks and tell you a little bit about her J.

Sally is the quintessential balance of fun and vivacity. While she is really thoughtful and very engaging, she says exactly what’s on her mind and she usually always keeps me laughing whenever I’m around her!

Until recently we only knew each other on a professional level, and then she came up and started talking to me one day and I was just like ‘this girl is really cool’!

After hanging out several times we realized that we shared a lot more things in common than we first thought, and she is quickly becoming one of those individuals that I’m glad that our paths crossed.

Throughout the year that I’ve known her, I know for sure that she’s always fun to be around, really energetic, very funny, and the perfect amount of attitude and sassy-ness! But enough of me blabbering about her, here’s her story in her own words:

Monologue Monday: Sally

Hello all! I love this blog and I’m excited for the opportunity to share my story. For me, the topic of virginity and waiting for marriage isn’t new because I was raised in a Christian home with parents who encouraged me in activities that kept me pure. Where I was from, waiting for marriage was a no-brainer because it’s what everyone did. Right?!?

At school I had many Christian friends who were also raised like me and believed they too would wait until marriage to have sex. In this type of atmosphere it was easy to hold fast to my beliefs because I was supported on every side. I was never forced to question this type of thinking because I had surrounded myself with people who thought like me.

Things started getting tricky in high school. Friends who had previously talked about waiting for marriage suddenly started having sex. The weird part to me was they seemed to suffer no outward consequences from having sex before marriage. Internally, I don’t know what was going on, but from the looks of things they seemed fine.

Seeing this really made me question my beliefs on waiting for marriage. The pain and suffering that I believed sex before marriage would cause didn’t seem to be existent. So then why are we doing this? Why are we waiting?

Things got even harder in college when I started hanging out with people who weren’t raised like me and people who never believed you should wait for marriage. Their parents didn’t wait and they were fine. These new people had had sex with multiple people and they seemed fine. Where was the death and destruction I was expecting?

The arguments I’d been taught in favor of waiting for marriage didn’t work with these new people. They had really good counter-arguments and solid points. So I gave up. I didn’t know what to believe anymore and I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t like having to rethink why I believed something.

In the end God really used this for good. He really pushed me to analyze why I believed what I believe. I came to realize I had followed a lot of Christian “rules” simply because people told me it’s what the Bible said.

Ultimately, this is an unhealthy way to live because your beliefs are not your own. For me it came down to whether or not I trusted God. The Bible says we should wait for marriage, but people who don’t wait for the most part seem fine to me. So did I trust God enough to believe He really did want what was best for me? Did I trust Him enough to follow His word despite evidence to the contrary?

And the answer to that was yes. I believe He does know what he’s doing and He does want the best for us.

So now I’m 26 years old and I’m still a virgin waiting for marriage. I’m not super vocal about it, but if asked I will discuss why I choose to remain a virgin. I no longer have fancy arguments and examples.

Maybe later I will, but for now my simple reasoning is this: I trust God.

The 411

I’m so pumped right now!!!!

There are literally at least a hundred things running around in my head and all I want to do is write. (I L♥VE writing btw….it may not always be grammatically correct J, but there’s always passion behind it).

First off, I just got crazy excited when I received Sally’s Monologue Monday guest post for today. I’ll post it in a little bit, but she basically said words that I’ve been thinking but haven’t ever been able to capture into the right set of words to portray my own sentiments on the matter. Sally does it perfectly!

Secondly, over the last few months I have met a load of new people and I’m so excited to pick their brains and to see what they think about the various topics that we talk about here at Virgin Monologuez (i.e. virginity, pre-marital sex, abstinence, self-esteem, self-worth, health, respect, loving one’s self, the male’s perspective and so forth).

And speaking about the male’s perspective, I have gotten a few emails and comments asking when is the next interview coming, and I promise I’m working on it now for ya’ll! Not only is my youngest brother’s Part 2 coming up (youcan read Part 1 here), but I’ve also asked several other guys (either that I’ve known for a while, or that I’ve just met) to participate in these discussions/interviews as well.

The thing is though is that ya’ll are slowly becoming like family to me in the sense that I want to protect my younger girls who are reading this and hold my guest posters accountable for the content that they submit. Not saying that I’m trying to control what they say- I truly believe in free speech and people expressing themselves- but I do feel responsible for what I present to young, impressionable minds and thus I try to maintain the integrity of this site accordingly.

And lastly, (just so I can wrap this up and not bore you anymore than I probably already have), I have been working on updating and changing the content of some of the tabs for the site; so be on the look out for these new changes soon. While there was nothing previously wrong per say with the About Us, The Author, and Contact Us pages, I wanted to make them even more AMAZING!!!

(…No really, the real reason is that I started this site back in January and in the few months that I’ve been writing and having other people guest post, God has made it clear to me what areas I should be focusing on…When there is a mission and focus, plans can be made and dreams can come to fruition; so let’s see where this more concentrated road takes us. The sky is the limit and ya’ll are my amazing pals along this journey, so let’s see what happens from here).

Hopefully this wasn’t too long, and please come back later today for Sally’s guest post (my girl seriously laid it DOWN in my eyes…or at least she spoke to me), and always feel free to share with me anything that your heart desires.

Have a Happy Monday!

-Virgin Monologuez

So Poetic...So TRUE

I really do have minimal words for this video. It says everything that I’m feeling at the moment in a poetic kind of way.

While I’ll just present the video and allow you to form your own opinions, I will say that I really am SICK of religion.

It breaks my heart when I see someone gossiping about someone else under the guise of ‘telling others so that they can help pray for the other person’.

Or when people state that they are a Christian as if it were a label and not a lifestyle. Just because you claim the title doesn’t mean that’s what you are; the fruit you produce tells what type of tree that you are.

And finally, why are we beating each other up, tearing each other down, and not supporting one another. What does one gain besides pride in watching their brethren fail? What happened to humility and love? What type of person does it make you if you take joy in seeing someone else’s shortcomings and faults?

Sorry if I’m preaching a bit, but I just don’t get it…it really tears me a part that as a people we would rather choose discourse instead of unity.

As does the video, I hate religion and here is why:

Monologue Monday: Where My Girls At?!?!

Surrounding yourself with a good group of girls is so important!

For the longest time this was something that I didn’t really pay that much attention to, and as a result I felt like a couple of areas in my life suffered from it.

For me, I am very much a self-professed “loner” in the sense that I can spend days hours and hours by myself and not even notice. Once I get focused on a project or an idea (or a good book J), I throw myself into it until my mission or objective is complete.

While this is good when it comes to work and producing results, it’s sometimes not so good in other areas of my life: i.e. my girl friends.

Only recently, (more like the last few years!), have I realized how important it is to surround myself by really good girl friends. I mean yeah I have some great guy friends, but nothing beats that special bond that a group of women can share while supporting each other through life’s journey.

There are so many things that you can learn from your girls that maybe you don’t feel comfortable talking about with others. They are also always there to encourage you, to push you, and to support you….to love you basically, in ways that only they can.

I’m a firm believer in iron sharpening iron, and if people that you are surrounding yourself with are not on the same level as you are or don’t share in some of the same values and beliefs that you do, then where is the opportunity for growth?

The reason why I point out that it’s so important to surround yourself with like-minded ladies though is because at some point these are going to be the individuals that you go to for advice. Whether it’s ‘do I look good in this?’ or ‘he thinks I should _____ what do you think?’

In most cases they are going to answer with their own opinions which will ultimately be a reflection of their values.

For example, back in high school a few of my girl friends at the time thought it was so lame that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. Any time that I would go to them about relationship advice, they pretty much always had the same suggestions... (Which were not necessarily always inline with my own personal beliefs or what I wanted, but these were also the girls that I trusted the most and who I was the closest to- so there was a struggle there at times).

What I began to realize was that subconsciously they were impacting my values and ideas.

After awhile some of the stances that I previously held extremely important to me, I begin to reason with some of their logic and take on some of their ideas.

Luckily it never happened with sex or some of the more important issues for me, but the point is is that people do rub off on you.

(Granted this was high school and I was a lot more impressionable then than now, but I still believe that it’s highly unlikely to surround yourself by someone daily and to never take on any of the same qualities and perceptions as the other person).

So now I try to be very conscious about who I allow in my close circle of friends.

I don’t mind having acquaintances and people that I just associate with every so often, but for those people who I consider my close friends and who I will frequently turn to for advice, I try to make sure that they are emulating the type of life that I am striving for or that we share in the same beliefs and values.

Your friends really do play an important part in your life, so make sure when you are choosing your girl friends that you are choosing people who have your best interest at heart and who will be there for you no matter what.

If your “friend” is always making you feel bad about yourself, or is always criticizing you, then you should probably reevaluate some things in your relationship.

You want to know that she is going to loving tell you when you are wrong in a situation, to rejoice with you when you are joyful, to help carry your burden when you need someone to lean on, and to love you when you are both loveable and unlovable.

So choose wisely and try to focus more on quality vs. quantity (i.e. it’s not about how many friends you have but about the quality of the friendships).

- Virgin Monologuez

P.S. Next week I’ll be back with another monologue from a new reader who wanted to share her story and her experiences with you all, so make sure to check back for that! In the mean time, have a good week J.

Monologue Monday: Christin

Today I have a special treat for you all! Today I have the pleasure of introducing you to my beautiful friend Christin.

Christin is intelligent, funny, witty, kind, compassionate, very giving (she would literally give you the clothes off of her back), stunning, strong and very candid. Since I have met her she has ALWAYS been self-less, motivated, encouraging, and supportive of all who enter into her life.

As you will soon discover, as a result of various situations that occurred to her over the years, Christin has had to deal with some very serious issues and it has impacted her self-worth and self-esteem. Even though the trials that she has had to endure have affected the way that she esteems herself, she still is one of the sincerest, most charming, most genuine people that I have ever encountered, and nothing that has happened to her can take that away from her.

She seriously is like a breath of fresh air and I’m so glad honored to call her my friend.

When she decided that she wanted to share her story with you all, I was very humbled and grateful that she would openly reveal it in hopes that it in turns impacts someone else’s life.

So here’s Christin’s story in her own words:

Monologue Monday: Christin

First of all, thanks and admiration to my friend who runs this site. I think that the way the media , our culture and our peers (as influenced by the media/culture) portray sex is pretty skewed from its reality, and not all people (myself included) have trusted adults in their lives to have open discussions about sex and all that it implies.

Having a site such as this one then is entirely valuable, and I’m so proud of my friend for the time and effort that she puts into answering all of your questions and  finding interesting and caring people to tell you their experiences.

Secondly, there’s the key phrase above: ‘their’ experience.

When you read these monologues, you get a privileged insight into the mistakes and triumphs of others. In writing my story, I can’t offer you a manual of what to do or what not to do. I can only tell you what I did. Hopefully something that I say resonates with you or you find applicable to your own life. Either way, I guess I’d just like to give someone the opportunity to learn from my experience so as to avoid the pain and consequences that I have faced in my life.

I grew up as a conservative, evangelical Christian, and my role models were the people at my church who never even held hands until their wedding night. I was intent upon waiting for marriage to share this great intimacy with one person and one person only. I wanted to remain pure for my God and have an innocence about myself that my future husband would admire.

One of my favorite sermons from my youth pastor discussed how pre-marital sex was essentially adultery perpetrated against our future spouse, and I took that lesson to heart. I would absolutely not engage outside of the confines of a marital bed.

Then, things changed. For reasons that are tangentially irrelevant to the subject of this post, I ceased to claim Christ as my Savior. I had always been told that it was my duty to wait for marriage because I was God's child and that's what he wanted for me. No one ever told me that I, as a human being, have an inherent value to myself that entitles me to wait for all the best that sex has to offer. So, since my moral standing against pre-marital sex had been purely religious, I floated in an uncomfortable moral abyss of confusion and curiosity about all the things that had formerly been entirely off-limits to me. And that’s where trial and error – A LOT of error – entered my life.

When I was 21, I made one of the worst decisions of my life. I ended a night of excessive drinking with friends and had to take the last Metro home, by myself, at 3am. During that trip, I was targeted by a male who recognized my state of incoherence. He took advantage of me.  And that’s how I lost my virginity.

That night created a disjointed relationship between sex and intimacy for me. Sex became just another thing to do and lost any sort of specialness that it should – and certainly does – have. I’m struggling to close that gap, but for an assortment of reasons, it’s proving extremely difficult.

For someone like me, who struggles with body image issues and low self-esteem, the desire/lust that comes from physical interactions can be easily confused as genuine affection or simply personal affirmation. As such, I have given myself to more men in the past 2 years than I care to be true, several of whom were just for one night.

Of the people with whom I’ve shared that part of myself, only one of them genuinely mattered to me. I was – and still am – in love with him. It pains me to think how I’ve so degraded him and what I shared with him by allowing others to have that same part of me.

When I look back, I remember the moment when he apologized to me for having been with other girls (at that time, I had only been with that one man on that fateful night). I remember the look in his eyes, how it bothered him that what we were to do was inherently less special because of how willingly he’d done it in the past.

And, now, I will have that same responsibility of apologizing through my broken heart to someone in the future. I will need to apologize for how I held myself in such low regard that I sought affirmation of my personal worth through the body of someone else. How I’ve so disassociated sex from emotion so as to degrade both myself and the act of sex itself. With every person with whom I share that intimate act, I’ve lessened the specialness that sex will have with the last person who ever has that part of me.