Beauty ~ Know Your Worth

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

                                                                   -Confucius

Moment of Truth:

I wish that we would stop tearing each other down, and start lifting and building each other up.

What does one gain by breaking someone else’s spirit…haven’t you been there? It doesn’t feel good.

The Male's Perspective: My Interview with Leimoh

Hi everyone, how was your week? I hope it was good!

So today you will meet Leimoh. He and I dated towards the end of my freshman year of high school, and we have remained good friends every since.

He is one of the kindest, rawest, most sincere people that I have ever met. Seriously, I don’t think that I will ever meet another human being who is more loyal than him- ever.

I respect him more than words can express. He has been through so much in his life, and he has still come out on top. As you read the interview, I think you’ll find his responses perceptive, engaging, and perhaps even a bit painful to hear at times.

Don’t just take my word for it though; let’s see what he had to say about women and relationships:

1.     The questions that I’m about to ask you are personal. Why did you agree to let me interview you? Because I’ve known you for over 10 years. I know your character. If anybody else would’ve asked me to do it than I probably would’ve said no, but I know what your intentions are. You are just trying to keep it real for young women out there.

2.     What do you think about what this site is conveying to young teens and women? As far as its purpose and what I’ve seen of it so far, it’s a good idea. I think it’s good to let women know that they have choices, because it seems like somewhere along the way some of them forgot that.

3.     What does your ideal girl look like? Wow…umm I’ve never really thought about it before. That’s a good question. If I was to really think about it, I guess it just boils down to my preferences: I love a strong black woman- they are just sexy.

4.     What do you think about abstinence or virgins? Do you think relationships are better when you wait? I don’t know…I haven’t come across too many of them. You don’t find too many girls like that. In fact, you’re the only one that I know personally.

5.     You are in a relationship right now right? Yeah, I am in a relationship. What qualities about your girlfriend attracted you to her? Above anything else, she was one of the first people that I came across in a long period of time who respected herself. She had desires and maybe even wanted to mess with me, but she stuck to her standards. She had restraint, and I was attracted to that.

6.     One of your brothers just got married and another one is getting married very soon, our congratulations to them both. Yeah, thank you. So how do you know when you have found the ONE? What qualities does a guy look for in a wife? The most important thing to me is respect. There are a lot of women that don’t know how to respect a man. With that goes trust and loyalty; they all go hand in hand. How loyal do you think a girl will be if she sleeps with you the first night? If she did it with you then she’ll do it again- meaning another man can come along and top you, and it’s over…no loyalty.

7.     Speaking of sleeping with someone the very first time that you meet him, what’s your take on one night stands? 90% of the time it will never be more than what it is. That’s why it’s called a one night stand.

8.     With so many ladies wearing clothes that are barely there and getting lots of attention from guys, what can a classy girl do to be noticed? For me it’s not so much about what they are wearing as it is how they present themselves. Confidence is sexy, so it doesn’t matter what you got on if you are carrying yourself in the right way. I have seen some girls who were just comfortable in their own skin, and they just shined- they were the most attractive women in the room.

9.     Why do you think some women are afraid to be alone? When they get in a relationship they get so comfortable that when it’s over, they want that comfort that they became accustomed to. Then women on the rebound are so vulnerable, so the cycle continues.

10. Love should be sincere and compassionate, why do some guys play mind games? Control…manipulation.

11. How can a girl tell if a guy is cheating or being dishonest? Do you have enough evidence to confront him? No but seriously, if you suspect he is cheating and if he starts getting REAL DEFENSIVE, and you haven’t even said anything yet- like acting real crazy and defensive- then he’s cheating.

He’s getting all defensive because he feels like you are putting him on blast and calling him out, even though the only thing that you probably asked him was ‘where were you at?’

12. Do you have any regrets? Put it this way: if you are going to sleep with somebody then you should take the time to get to know them because if you don’t, then you could just land yourself in a world full of drama that could last you the next eighteen years.

13. What three tips about relationships can you give to the young women reading this? Let me think about this. Hold on a min…

Tip 1- If you are in a relationship and stuff starts going crazy and you just aren’t happy anymore, ask yourself why you’re still there. If you stay because you are needy, or because you are scared to loose what you have, then you're a fool- plain and simple. Have enough confidence in yourself to keep moving on. – Sorry to be so blunt, but I’m just being real. I see too many girls that are always complaining about their boyfriends, and are unhappy as h%#L- I don’t understand it.

Tip 2- Don’t lower your standards. Don’t think that just because you haven’t found what you are looking for yet, then you should just settle because you WON’T be happy. Get what you want.

Tip 3- If you decide to mess with a dude, know who you are messing with. For real. Just like some women try to trap dudes into a relationship, some guys do the same thing.

14. Anything else that you want to add that I didn’t ask you? Yeah, I know some of my answers were straight forward, but I just wanted to let ya’ll know how things can be sometimes. If I could end by saying anything it would be what I have noticed about some women:

They are impulsive. They don’t stop to think about things. They just go off of their emotions, and you can get yourself in a lot of trouble that way.

Friday's Going to be Good Ya'll

Hey everyone, how’s your week going?

Just wanted to post a quick update to let you all know that we have a really good interview coming up for Friday’s post. It’s from an ex-boyfriend, turned really good friend, who I respect and admire more than anything.

I was intrigued by his thought process the entire time that I was taking notes- you really won’t want to miss what he had to say.

He was funny, insightful, and raw.

Talk to you soon,

P.S. Don’t forget to bring along a good snack (or two) J

Moment of Truth:

I know that this might be a bit difficult to find these days, but I hope that the man that I marry hasn’t sleep with a lot of women-

(none would be even better)...

I saved myself for him- why shouldn’t I expect the same???

Monologue Monday: Renee

Hi everyoneJ!

So for today’s monologue, you will meet Renee.

Renee is one of the realest, most loving people that I have ever met. She has a kind and generous spirit about her, and she is seemingly always doing something to help someone else. Sacrifice and generosity are two words that easily eximplify her character.

You don’t know her right now, but as you read her monologue and maybe even find yourself relating to her story, hopefully you will begin to love and respect a woman who so selflessly gave of herself- with the hopes of inspiring and encouraging you!

The world will never have another woman like her ya’ll- loving, compassionate, and candid- here is my friend Renee:

Monologue Monday: Renee

I would like to give you a little background on myself: I was raised in church, have volunteered my entire life, and felt the call of service on my life at the age of five. I know that sounds strange, but I have always been socially aware of things. I noticed things around me, (and still do), that others seemed to miss. I am the oldest of four children and am a college graduate.

Why am I saying all of this? Because I want you to see if you can see yourself in my story.

What tends to happen is people read a story and think "oh, that's a nice story", or "that will never be me", and then dismiss the story completely. If you are a woman, if you have a heart, then I think this is a story you should be able to identify with...

I lost my virginity at the age of 22. I was a junior in college, in a steady relationship, and had decided that the man that I was with would be my husband. I was SO into him; I really, honestly believed that I was in love.

 He never pressured me to have sex though. Quite the opposite actually- it was my idea. I just saw a wonderful future with him and no one could compare...and then we broke up seven months later.

That's how things go when you're a young adult or a teenager. That one person that you think you can't live without...will most likely eventually leave...or you will leave them. Blasphemy you say, well as my influential college professor told me: "live a little longer and you will see". It is not my job to convince you, but to simply tell my story.

Anyway, so after I moved on from the ‘man I could never live without’, I was so sure that I was not going to have sex again until I was married. I dated a few more guys and the thought of sex never even crossed my mind, but once that sexual gate is opened it is extremely hard to keep it closed.

Although, I had made a vow to be a virgin until marriage (which of course ended at 22), I made another vow (since it didn't seem possible to never have sex again), that I wouldn't have sex unless I was ‘in love’....

Yeah because God's Word says don't have sex until marriage...unless you are in love... See how we tend to rationalize things. Well it can’t be that bad if I love him right? Wrong. Love is more than emotional feelings. But I digress…

I also broke the new vow as well. I mean really, once you break one, it's really easy to NOT keep another one. Now don't get me wrong, I did date quite a lot, and I didn't have sex with each guy I dated, but there was one guy that I really liked.

I mean we just clicked. We laughed together, I met his family, the whole nine… and I just saw a wonderful future with him (do you see a pattern?).

So even though he wasn't my boyfriend, and I didn't love him, I began a sexual relationship with him. Just knowing that soon we would be an item, and then the "title" wouldn't matter.

*side bar ladies* non- relationship "relationships" are a waste of time!

Now back to the story... After months of hanging out, dating, and going to family functions and various other outings, I was still not his girlfriend. After careful examination I realized that I never would be, and ended that ‘relationship’.

A few months before my college graduation, my parents divorced. I was absolutely devastated. Even though I was an adult and I knew that there were issues, it affected me greatly to know that my family would soon be divided.

It was during that time that my view on relationships changed. I was upset with God because I prayed for him to save my family, and he hadn't. I was also upset at my parents for the timing (selfish I know), but I mean the happiest moment of my life was overshadowed by this.

Until I die, I will never forget the day my father moved out of our house. I am extremely family oriented and I was just lost.

So I decided that now I would view relationships like most of my friends- It's all about having fun...no commitments.

It was during this time that I met someone who was there to listen to all of my frustrations about my parents, and although he's not someone that I would’ve normally hung out with, I started spending all of my free time with him. And soon I found myself pregnant.

Yep, you read right. Now let’s do a time line: junior year- I lost my virginity; two months after graduation- knocked up. Yes- It happened that quickly for me.

Now yes there are people who have sex for years and years, and you never see them with a baby, or hear about them getting a disease. But let me tell you something: after I became pregnant, you wouldn't believe how many other women came to me and told me about the abortions they had. True they didn't have a child now, but they had been pregnant before.

I myself contemplated the big "A", even though it was against everything I believed.

I was scared, embarrassed, and most of all, the dad was not super excited or supportive. I found myself in a situation. One I thought I would never tell ANYONE about.

But I had some close friends that I trusted, *side bar if you have a support system, even if you don't, find someone to talk to*, who I was able to talk to without being judged. And express all my fears, and cry, and do all the things that I had hid inside.

I wanted this baby more than anything, but I wasn't quite sure how to do this...as a single mom.

I decided to turn back to God, who I hadn't spoken with almost the entire time that I was with the guy. I asked for forgiveness and really started to pick back up the pieces.

I was blessed with a healthy baby boy, who is the absolute light of my worldJ. I actually look back and laugh at how scared I was, because being his mom seems so natural.

I never thought I would be a single mom. I always saw myself married with children. But no matter how cautious you are, there's always that chance of pregnancy...or worse- disease.

I am not perfect by any means, but I have gotten back on track and have kept my vow of celibacy. It is possible ladies. I am not saying it's easy, and I understand those who disagree with my decision, but I don't want to risk being in this situation again.

I love my son more than life itself, but a whole family is something that I can't give him with his biological father. And that's ultimately what I want.

I know my story is super long and you might not have read this far, but if you have please consider this:

When the lust has long gone from your eyes, will you actually want to raise a child with the person you are having sex with? If not,I would suggest you refrain before you become a statistic.

It's that real ladies.

Peace, love and restorationJ

~ Renee

The Male's Perspective- My Interview with J.D.

When I wondered who I would ask to do interviews with me about the male’s perspective regarding women and sex, it seemed like a no-brainer that I would start with the men that I already know. They are accessible, genuine, and supportive.

 So that’s exactly what I decided to do!

Up first, you will meet J.D. (in respect for his profession I opted not to use his full name). He is one of the most reliable, passionate people that I have ever met. In fact, when I faced a devastating tragedy a few years ago, he was the first person on the scene!

Caring and sympathetic are synonymous with his character. He even gives out his personal cell phone number to his patients, so that they can reach him at any time in case an emergency arises. Talk about dedication!

Regardless if you agree with the responses that he gave below or not, what can’t be disputed is who he is as a person: compassionate, devoted, and intelligent.

I know because I am lucky enough to call him my friend!

Enough blabbering though, here’s his unadulterated perspective:

***Warning*** the following interview might be a bit long- I asked him FOURTEEN questions, and he patiently answered each one- but it’s worth your time to read it! Enjoy, and let me know what you think.

1.     The questions I’m about to ask you are very personal, why did you agree to ‘put it all out there’& let me interview you? Because I think what you’re doing with this website is important. There aren’t too many people out there doing what you’re doing, so I respect that and support you. Also, I think it’s important to let women know a man’s perspective regarding sex. I don’t represent all men but I do represent some viewpoints, and I just wanted to give women some insight into our thought process at times.

2.     You and I dated in the past, how did you feel about me telling you up front that I wasn’t going to have sex until marriage? To be honest with you, I thought it was a cliché & I didn’t know you were being serious! Even now I value you so much because you stuck to your values and kept your word…you knew what you wanted even at a young age.

3.     Do you think that the reason why we are still such really good friends even now (after we stopped dating), & never experienced the ‘I’m never talking to you again, love-hate relationship’ that happens in so many relationships post break-up is because we never took it there physically & always respected each other? No, not really because almost every girl that I have ever dated or been intimate with is still good friends with me…not friends like you and me, but still good friends. You and I share a special friendship… not just because we’ve never slept with each other, but because we have grown up together. I have known you since you were like 13 right?!?!?

4.     What do you think about women and sex? I’m going to keep it real with you. From a man’s perspective, especially in today’s society, I think they go hand in hand. What I mean by that is that from an early age, we are taught about sex and it’s always associated with a woman: how they look on t.v., what they wear, how they are portrayed in the media….so women are constantly being related to sex. I think we have gone from a culture of women & love, to women & sex, & that’s a problem.  What do you mean? Instead of thinking about women in a loving way & wanting to nourish her and protect her, now they are being portrayed as objects. It’s not right at all, but in society now, sex sells and that’s mostly as women being an item.

5.     If a girl tells you that she wants to wait or is practicing abstinence at this age, would you still date her (& respect her wishes)? Without a doubt in my mind. At the end of the day, I know that’s what I’m looking for. I have always struggled with sex & relationships because I know that it’s right to wait. I believe that’s why I’m single now- because I need someone that’s stronger than me. Since I’ve already done it, it’s harder to stop. The interesting thing is that I have had more laughter and mocking come from women whenever I say I don’t want to have sex, then from men, and I’ve been with a lot of women. Do you want me to put that in the interview lol, because you are a really good guy and I don’t won’t someone to get the wrong idea about you because they misunderstand? I don’t want you to sugar-coat what I’m saying…I’m keeping it real. I have told women that I don’t want to sleep with them, and that I just want to spend time getting to know them, and that’s a turn off for some women. It’s crazy, but a lot of women even tell me up front that they just want to be friends with benefits.

6.     How do you feel about girls who ‘give it up’ so easily? Honestly I think that in this area I’m different than some men, but I can’t respect a woman who ‘gives it up’ too easily. I don’t think that we’ll be together for too long. It’s hard for me to want to develop a relationship if I’ve already gotten the most sacred thing she has…what’s left?

7.     Why do some guys place so much emphasis on being physical then? Because that’s what we are being taught. From a conscious and sub-conscious level it’s always being shown to us- being placed in our minds. In the media, our friends, even many parents are accepting now and just remind you to use protection when you do it…not if.

8.     What do you think is a confident woman? What qualities attract you to a woman? I like a woman who has a spiritual knowledge of God, who is hard working, ambitious and attractive. I am attracted to a woman that wants to be guided by me (emotionally, spiritually, and physically). I want a woman that wants me to take care of her, but I also want her (to want) to take care of me.

9.     Do you have any regrets about your past? I honestly wish I would’ve never had sex. Religion hasn’t played a part of that regret per say…I have just always had an empty feeling in my heart after having sex…a void. It’s like a drug- I like the feeling of it, but after it’s done I’m just empty like “man I just did it again”.

10. Why do you think that so many women struggle with low self-esteem & the need to be accepted? Society. If you aren’t following the crowd or being a part of the norm, then people have a hard time accepting you…There is nothing wrong with being different though. Some of the most successful people -the one’s we read about in the history books- dared to be different and didn’t follow the crowd.

11. What is beautiful about a woman to you? When she takes pride in herself, her beauty radiates… and you can tell when a woman takes care of herself. I also find it attractive when she wants to take care of her man. I know that God will always be first, but I want to be second.

12.  Earlier, you said that you were single. What would a romantic/typical date be like with you? Yeah, I’m single but I’m waiting for the right woman to come along. A typical date- I want to wine & dine my Queen. I love doing spontaneous things. I am very adventurous & love trying new things. I would probably call over a chef and have him/her whip up something nice while we sip champagne and get to know each other. I am also really into exotic things, so I would love to take her to other cities or countries and explore the world with her.

13. What advice about sex & guys would you give to the teens and young women who visit this website? Be cautious of guys. Some guys know how to be very manipulative. If you respect yourself first, then a guy is going to respect you…If you know yourself and your beliefs, then it will be hard to manipulate you.

14. Do you have anything else that you would like to add that I didn’t ask you? Again, I have always struggled with the idea of sex…having sex and not wanting to have sex…but I have NEVER felt happiness with having sex with anyone afterwards.

I have always felt empty because I have never been in love, or shared that connection with anyone… the physical connection of being in love I guess.

I truly believe that God created sex for a husband and wife who are in love with one another, and want to share that physical bond…I don’t think that the two were intended to be separated. I still believe that if you do it without the three aspects together (the spiritual, mental, and physical) that you will be empty inside…like I have been many times.

Cherish your body women; you are worth it.

Clarification

Ok, so I just want to clarify something real quick before we get to the good stuff!

While my next four interviews will come from guys that I previously dated, that doesn’t mean all my future interviews will. I will interview other guys!!!

I just wanted to put myself out there first, before I put others…give you a look into my past and let you become comfortable with the idea of us sharing things together. So me first, then u.

And if you are a guy reading this and you think you can provide better insight into the male ego mind (just kidding J), then we challenge you to do it! Email me and let’s schedule an interview!

Now…back to our regularly schedule program- the interview…